Hey everyone, I’m back!
Sorry for the 3(ish) month hiatus since writing my fanfiction “All the wrong choices.” I’ve had a lot going on in my personal life, one of those things namely being my own mental state.
I wanted to write a brief post just for those who are not sure whether they are suffering, by going through my own issues and to offer support.
I was driving down one of the many country roads to pick my son up from school and I got a sudden jolt in one of my limbs, my calf I think, not that it matters. It was a fleeting sensation of cramp and then it was gone but it started a thought process off in my head about pain, which I’ll get to in more detail in a moment…
I’ll be honest with you, it’s been difficult! There’s been strain between myself and my husband for a little while. When your home isn’t a sanctuary any more, It seems to set you addrift and you have nothing to anchor yourself to. This aloofness means that it’s difficult to connect to people, leaving you issolated in your own mind, without being able to find comfort or shelter when a storm blows in. But enough of the maritime imagery…
I had been experiencing some mild form of anxiety for a while but nothing unmanageable or even debilitating, just annoying and confusing. I saw a post someone recently which you can find here or you can see it below posted by “u/Canadaba11”
and for any gamers out there, this is exactly what I’ve been feeling like! Constantly on edge, waiting for the enemies to appear.
At some point, I began getting an intense ache around my solar plexus, that could last hours or days and nothing I could do would relieve it. I often compared it to being run through by a lance as it would make my back ache too.
I went to the doctor and was told it was IBS and was given a load of information about foods that can trigger it etc. I’d started Slimming World at around the same time so I started doing a food diary, noting down what I was eating in my meals etc, you get the picture.
I noticed that there didn’t seem to be any pattern between my food and these bouts of pain. I have toast for breakfast almost every day and didn’t get the pain every day which led me to think that it wasn’t a gluten or wheat intolerance etc. and all this information brings me to the main point.
When things were at their worst for me and my husband I found I needed help of the medical persuasion. I was going to work and I was struggling not to cry every 5 minutes, or alternatively, I’d be fine one moment then suddenly my veins would be flooded with adrenaline, my hands would get clammy and my heart rate and breathing would increase.
Things were happening with my body which I couldn’t control, not on my own. So I went to the doctors and they tried me with some beta blockers calls Propanolol, which I found comical – as I was taking them because I wasn’t able to be normal and happy (haha no lol, get it?)
These seemed to help me as they took away some of the physical symptoms of anxiety I was feeling without the trippy drug-addled side effect some drugs can have. It also took away that loathsome pain in my chest. I was overjoyed!
Now I bet you’re wondering why having a pain in my leg brought me here. Bear with me I will come to that shortly.
Having struggled with members of my family and friends who all suffer/ed with mental illness, it was difficult to decern whether I was “actually” suffering from anxiety and/or depression or whether I was just low or down. I still can’t answer this question, regardless of how many times I feel my heart breaking silently in my chest, or feel the will to live leak out of my eyes. The thrumming, restless energy that fills me but the inability to do anything to be rid of it. The need to keep busy doing seven things simultaneously so that my brain is unable to think and focus.
After all of these symptoms, I still don’t feel like I can say I suffer from mental illness – which now brings me to the pain in my leg.
When you get a physical pain within your body, whether its a headache or broken bones etc, it is a fact, there is a pain and therefore there is recognition and a resolution etc. However, sadly with mental illness, it’s like our brain tried to defend the abusive part of itself like a partner in an abusive relationship. “It’s not his fault, he doesn’t know what he’s doing” “You’re just imagining it, she’s acting fine” “It was an accident, it won’t happen again” With mental illness because there is no physical pain, and you’ve been isolated from what makes you grounded, it is so easy to listen to the lies and think it’s normal, or that you’re just having a bad day.
It shouldn’t be this way, Any pain is legitimate pain and is worth exploring. There is no shame in it, and for those worried about going on antidepressants and becoming a zombie, that’s not necessarily the only option. There are lots of options out there, whether it’s medication, a better/healthier diet, more exercise or just having someone to talk to.
It’s important for us to be open with how we’re feeling and what we’re thinking, if this isn’t the case then depression and anxiety can fester and get worse, we’ve all got one friend or know of someone that either tried or succeeded in ending it all due to this illness.
So be kind to one another, listen more than talk, talk when you need to be heard, and reach out to people who care about you. If you don’t have any of the latter then reach out to me or any of the wonderful organisations out there (They’ve had more training than I have as I’ve had none!)
To summarise, I’ve been away sorting my head out, I am now back working on my W.I.P (Work in progress) which you can read a segment here! I may try and post something else up soon so follow my blog.
If you need me (or anyone) just reach out and someone will catch you.